In finding the cause of male infidelity in relationships, many therapists look first for clues like the breakdown of communication between man and woman. They say that in the cold of a communication breakdown both parties look for warmth, acceptance, and approval elsewhere. This becomes dangerous for the man. Men are often driven by sexual desire in their relationships with the opposite sex.
Out in the cold
Sexuality is a strong human emotion, which is naturally activated by the sight and sound of sexual stimuli. It gets worse when there are opportunities for intimate conversations in private places.
They say in pidgin English that “na play, play dey make butterfly enter bush.” Experts have observed that talking intimately, that is, about private aspects of your personal life, with the opposite sex can ignite sexual feelings. It just happens. It is not about being a moral or immoral person.
It’s the reality of how we humans have been biologically programmed, the experts say. Worse, the sexual cycle is known to begin with desire. Desire is in the mind. Once it is ignited, it takes an iron-will and strong self-control to hold back.
It is goes without saying therefore that if you want your man, don’t create the opportunity for him to be tempted elsewhere. Let him find the home as the most comfortable place on earth.
Loss of attractiveness
Another reason that may make a man look elsewhere is the loss of the spouse’s attractiveness. Passion is mostly driven by imagination and fantasy, while familiarity tends to kill them. From years of living with a partner you tend to know so much about her that there is little to fire the imagination or excitement you would get from outside. Clearly, obvious reasons for sexual avoidance are hostility and lack of physical attractiveness because of poor personal hygiene, body weight, and failure to dress in a manner which one’s partner prefers.
It gets complex
The subject gets more complex when incidents like those involving Bill Clinton, Dominquez Strauss-Khan, and the recent case of French President Hollande are put on the scale. Why do the rich and powerful get messed up in infidelity? Well, the ready reason is that they are human.
But a more interesting and even scary reason has been found by Robert Weiss. He says: “Powerful men engaged in intensely stressful jobs need to have their emotional lives in balance. While functioning at a very high level intellectually, a sense of invulnerability combined with poor self-care and constant pressure to perform can leave them emotionally vulnerable to undermining the very things they have worked so hard to achieve.
“The underlying source of these types of sexual disorders is a lack of adult emotional support and intimacy combined with often overlooked early histories of early emotional trauma. People who use pleasurable experiences as sources of emotionally distracting stimulation are attending to very real emotional needs in dysfunctional ways. Those are individuals who work 16 to 18 hour days, travel the world at a far distance from those close to them and often have few people to fully confide in – while having to manage intense stress and pressure. They often don’t make it a priority to create and enjoy down time. As a result, they miss out on the relaxation, self-care and emotional intimacy, human beings require for a healthy life.”
Weiss, who has provided expert commentary on infidelity to major media including CNN, ABC, NBC, ESPN, Discovery Health, and the Oprah Winfrey Show, has also listed some other compelling reason men cheat. The most common of these are that the man is:
A liar: He never intended to be monogamous, despite his commitment. He doesn’t understand that his vow of fidelity is a sacrifice made to and for his relationship and the person he professes to love.
Insecure: Deep down he feels that his is too young, too old, too fat, too thin, too poor, too stupid, or too whatever to be desirable. He uses flirtation, porn, and extramarital sex as a way to feel better about himself, to reassure himself that he is still desirable, worthwhile, and “good enough.”
Immature: He thinks that as long as his wife/girlfriend/partner doesn’t find out, he’s not hurting anybody.
Damaged: Perhaps he is acting out early trauma experiences, such as physical abuse, neglect, or sexual abuse. His formative wounds have left him unable or unwilling to fully commit himself to one other person. He may also seek sexual intensity outside his relationship as a way to self-medicate (escape from) his emotional and psychological pain.
Bored: Bored, overworked, or otherwise put-upon (in his mind), and feels deserving of something special that is just for him – something like hiring prostitutes, viewing porn, or having affairs. Or maybe he wants more attention from his mate and thinks a period of his pulling away will cause her to comply.
Confused about love: He mistakes the “rush” of early romance with love. He does not understand that in truly loving relationships the early, visceral attraction is gradually replaced by sweeter feelings of longer-term attachment, honesty, commitment, and emotional intimacy.